In a city far far away.....
In a country far far away......
IN a galaxy far far away.......
There was a Hot Dog stand called Big Bubba's Wieners. Good hot dogs I suggest you try them sometime. But one employee there stood out. His name, Shinji Ikari. His job, janitor. While cleaning up after some little kid vomited, Shinji started thinking. Man, my life sucks! as we all now, this was very true. Hey, you don't have to agree!. -Sorry. But it still hurt Shinji's feelings as he walked home to his house. He lived with his uncle and his aunt. Shinji hated living with his aunt and uncle because his aunt always tried to push him into playing a sport. The end result was Shinji playing tennis for a half a season and being laughed at by all the girls. He hated his uncle because he smelled like Vaseline, and he was always gone half the day. Shinji never could figure where he went either, and it's probably better that way.

As Shinji walked into his house he saw that everything was trashed; we're talking college-frat-party kinda trashed. Graffiti was all over the place and with some vulgar words Shinji didn't quite understand.
Shinji- "Ah great, just wait 'till Uncle Chuck comes home, I'm going to get yelled at more than when I first told them I was gay."
Ritsuko- "Leave this place, there is nothing left here for you. Come with me to outer space, we can start a hot dog stand of our own."
Shinji- "It's not like they blew up the house or anything, and I can clean it before my aunt and uncle get home."
Ritsuko- "Leave it any ways. Doesn't the idea of hot dog stand intrigue you? Perhaps a nice gas station. Come on Shinji, everybody's doing it these days."
Shinji- "Well mayb- Wait! How did you know my name?!"
Ritsuko- "I know much more about you, and your family- That and the fact you still have your name tag on."
Shinji- "I musn't run away, I musn't run away"
Ritsuko- "I'll give you a Beefbowl Doll"
Shinji- "Let's roll"
Ritsuko and Shinji hop into Ritsuko's hover station wagon and head towards a local pub where a lot of prostitutes and pilots hang out, because prostitutes and pilots go together like peanut butter and jelly. Before they got there, a soldier stopped them.
Soldier- "Is that a station wagon?! Pull over, we're going to have to check your car insurance."
Ritsuko waves her hand- "You don't need to see my car insurance."
Soldier- "We don't need to see you car insurance.... in a cold day in hell now hand it over!"
Ritsuko- "Man! I thought I had that technique down! Last time I trust the back of a Cracker-Jack box for 'Tips with the Force!'"
Ritsuko pulls out a gun and shoots the soldier and they continue on. They finally arrive to a place called NERV and start to head in through the smoky halls.
Bartender- "Hey! We don't allow "them kind" in our pub! Get that nerd out of here!"
Shinji- "Maybe I should just go wait in the trunk of the car while you go-"
Ritsuko- "Shut up! He's the main character! You can't ruin his courage now! Jinkies... Come on Shinji"
Shinji tags along with Ritsuko and they sit down next to a very scrubby man who continues to grin at them.
Man- "Hey Ritsuko I see you came back for a little more space-lovin', any time babe."
Ritsuko- "God Kaji you weren't that good! I was drunk any ways and I needed a place to spend the night."
Kaji-"So what do you want now babe?"
Ritsuko- "We need a trip off this rock, I have a place for us to go, but I can predict the future and we won't get there any ways."
Kaji- "All right, I guess I can let you to hitch a ride in my pimp mobile. But I have cargo from Esabatad, or maybe it was Enima, I don't remember; but we can't disturb it."
Shinji- "It?"
Kaji- "It"
Ritsuko- "Shit, let's get going! The SEELE-soldiers are coming for us."
They make a break for it while the soldiers pick a fight with 8 teenage boys who seem to be loitering around with no point. Kaji runs to port 24 and grabs for his keys.
Kaji- "Argh, I left my keys behind. I hope Gooey has an extra set."
Shinji- "Gooey?"
Kaji- "Yea, he's my sidekick, he's only in one scene so don't get too attached to him."
Gooey- "Wussup hoes! Keepin' it real Big K-mart style?"
Kaji- "He's our way of making sure we don't get sued for being racist."
So the whole crew leaves in Kaji's space-Pinto. Inside the cockpit everyone laughs as Shinji puts on seat belt.
Ritsuko- "Do you want me to hold your hand too when we cross hyperspace? Ha!"
Shinji- "Hey, I've read the script. I know what's gunna happen."
Kaji lifts off and heads off to make the drop off to Esabatad first. The space-Pinto starts trembling furiously and they start heading for a nearby planet for a crash landing.
Kaji- "Argh! I knew I should have listened to them when they said the space-Pinto was a crappy ship but noooooo- Ahhhhhh!"
Gooey- "My scene is over! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooo!"
The ship hits a pond of fermented milk and starts to sink in.
Shinji- "Ack, I think I swallowed some"
Shinji scrambles out of the ruined space-Pinto and makes for the shore. Behind him a shadow starts to follow. He makes it to the shore and starts to pant.
Shinji- "Remember, seat belts save lives! What the-"
Right then Shinji was attacked by a monkey throwing crap at him- this wasn't the first time it happened to Shinji so he easily stopped the monkey. He looked on the collar and the word "Princess" was engraved.
Shinji- "Oh, you must be the cargo to Esabatad. This seems like a very bad rip-off of something; but I can't figure out what."
Another shadow lurks past Shinji but he spots it this time.
Shinji- "Who's out there? It isn't another monkey is it?"
Little did Shinji know, it was worse, much worse. It was a warm-water penguin!
Pen²- "I'm here to train you and guide you in the ways of the Dorks. Why? you might ask. Because some mysterious guy gave me $20 and told me to."
Shinji- "Sounds like a reasonable reason why. All right what's my first lesson. Remember, I have weak bones and asthma so physical activity isn't an option.
Pen²- "Ugh, all right, lift that couch cushion."
Shinji- "With my mind?"
Pen²- "No you buttmunch with you hands, I think I dropped some change under there awhile back."
Shinji- "K', there ya go. Hey! A Cheeto! Five-year-rule! Is that Goku?"
Pen²- "All right, I can tell this isn't going to work, just read this and get back to me."
Pen² tossed a book to Shinji entitled Cliff Notes: The Idiot's Guide to The Dorks for Dummies. Shinji came back a few days to talk to him again.
Shinji- "The book didn't have anything written in it."
Pen²- "It took you a few days just to figure that out? Ok, There's an evil organization trying to monopolize the Hot Dog industry and you must stop it. To combat this evil, you must learn to wield the sporksabre. Don't forget, you must construct your weapon yourself before going there. The material to power the sporksabre is very hard to find these days. Oh, and take that monkey with you- it keeps throwing crap at me."
Shinji- "Sure thing, now I gotta find a ship- know a place handing them out for free?"
Pen²- "Kaowru The Hut's Palace. You might be able to find something behind it, hehe."
Shinji- "Ok, Thanks for training me!"
Pen²- "No problem, I'm sure you'll have a gay old time at the Palace, hehe."
Shinji set off to Koawru the Hut's Palace. He made it in easily, no guards or anything, but something struck him as being a little queer. Shinji walked into the main chamber and was shocked to see a three hundred pound guy being pampered by his servants.
Shinji- "Are you Kaowru? Can you give me a space ship so I can save the world?"
Kaowru- "You silly little goose, what will you do for me?"
Shinji- "I can, uh, redecorate your palace if you like."
Kaowru- "Matthew is coming Tuesday for that. Who I just love to 'oodles. I'm thinking of something more...personal."
Shinji- "Well, I've never been with an obese man. But there's a first time for everything...."
****The Sex Scene has been cut out. Mainly because I never wrote one and I don't wanna think about it, so, who likes women? ::raises hand::***********
Shinji- "Whoo hoo! I got a spaceship! Time to go build my sporksabre!"
So Shinji and the Princess boarded the ship and headed off to Taco Bell, which is the only place in the Universe that still has sporks readily available. Shinji spent two minutes constructing his sword then left for the Death Hot Dog Stand. The huge corporation trying to take over the Hot Dog world. Shinji casually walks in and orders one hot dog, he notices that the facilities are a little dirty.
Shinji- "Twenty bucks for one hot dog?! I cannot let them win!"
He whirls around to go sit down, but bumps into a huge man and drops his hot dog and other condiments onto the man's cloak. He looks up to realize-
Shinji- "Darth Gendo! What are you doing here?!"
DGendo- "You spineless twirp! You have some NERV coming back here!"
Shinji- "You still owe me five bucks! Cough it up!"
DGendo- "I challenge you!"
Shinji and Darth Gendo strike a pose and turn on their sporksabres. The silent hum of the sporks was the only sound until Darth Gendo spoke.
DGendo- "I see you went to Taco Bell, but did you really have to make it a pink sporksabre?"
Shinji- "I think it's cute."
DGendo- "Just in case I die from this battle and can't tell you later... Shinji I'm your father!"
Shinji- "I already knew that, remember we went on Oprah and got those DNA tests?"
DGendo- "Just checking."
Shinji- "I want to know why you're dragging me into this. Oh wait we should probably start fighting."
The two sporksabres collide and then are pulled apart and both go into their respective corners.
DGendo- "Haven't had a battle quite this vicious in awhile. But you know why I dragged you here Shinji. You've seen the facilities here, they're filthy! We need a janitor... we need YOU!"
Shinji- "How much does it pay?"
Gender- "Minimum wage."
Shinji- "Never!!!!"
The sporks collide again, it almost seems a waste for such awesome weapons to be wielded by such fools.
DGendo- "Shinji, also- I'm the King of Pumpkins and you also have a sister.... but we just call her Princess."
Princess the monkey starts throwing crap Darth Gendo.
DGendo- "Stop that, honey. But that also makes you a Prince, Shinji."
Kaowru- "Yes, but he's my little prince!"
Shinji- "Where did you come from?! I'm so confused."
Mysterious Voice- "Shinji, you can win, all you have to do is strike at him while he isn't looking. It's not that hard since neither one of you is skilled in this art anyways"
Shinji- "Who are you?"
MysVoice- "I am you father!"
Shinji- "No you aren't, my father is right there."
MysVoice- "..."
MysVoice- "Your sister?"
Shinji- "No, she's throwing crap at me"
MysVoice- "I hate you people! Why can't I just be a mysterious voice!? I knew this was a bad profession but nnnnooooo, my mom said it pays well and-"
Shinji- "Man, you're just as whiny as me! Fine, I'll kill him just shut up"
DGendo- "Uh oh, he's starting to talk to himself again. Call the Jenny Jones show. They can probably squeeze an episode out of this. I can see it now "My father tries to take over the world and my sister throws crap at me."
Shinji- "Hey Darth Gendo! Rei is right behind you!"
DGendo- "Where?! I'm sorry Rei about last night, I knew that leather wasn't your thing-"
Shinji lunges at Darth Gendo and slices off his index finger.
DGendo- "NOOOOOOooooo! I'm dying! Aarghhhhhh! I can't believe I fell for the Rei-is-right-behind-you trick! Arghhh, still dying...Goodbye, Shinji........"

THE END

Following up story
Shinji inherited the Death Hot Dog Stand but later lost it in a high stakes game
of Boggle. He also married his sister and the incest continues.

Recap::

I'm in the mood for a hot-dog
Shinji is still gay
Sporks are cool
Taco Bell is cool
Pintos suck
Teenagers loitering in places is a felony and all felons should go to jail.
Even minor cuts can be lethal
Always watch out for the Rei-is-right-behind-you trick